“The best time to prepare your marriage is before having one.”
The first time I heard it was while listening to an episode of one of my favourite podcasts called “the Art of Manliness “. At 27 of age and living my best life, certainly as a bachelor; I chose this particular subject of marriage because my Facebook news feed has been changing for a while, with the first babies and marriages making their appearances, for better or for worse.
As a chess and poker amateur, I recognize and value the impact a choice can have on one’s life, thus my curiosity in understanding how reasonable men consciously make the decision to get married. Being scientifically educated, I had to gather information on how to increase our likelihood of making the best possible choice possible when it comes to be romantically involved with someone else (yes, romanticism is dead over here).
The podcast was surely helpful regarding marriage. Then, I simply wondered if getting married was still relevant in the first place when an idea from an interview from The Roommates got my attention, and it will become the first pre-requisites to keep in mind when engaging in a romantic relationship: the non-negotiables.
Non-negotiables
According to Patrick Bet-David, the non-negotiables refer to basic conditions to respect no matter what. Things not to compromise in any circumstances, for instance: “no matter what we must have the same political views”. In the interview, he goes along by explaining why his parents got divorced despite the fact of being both Christian; his mother was a communist and his father was imperialist. As he explains, getting married is certainly not an easy task, even when you think you have found “the one”, thus the crucial step of identifying the 3 non-negotiables upfront to optimize your chances of having a strong foundation with your partner.
Non-negotiables can be factual (e.g.: no matter what she/he must not have any children; no matter what she/he must be from Brazil) and/or value-based (e.g.: no matter what she/he must be loyal; no matter what she/he not be vegetarian).
Even though, the idea of considering all your non-negotiables and enlisting the 3 main ones, is pertinent; what about adding 3 deal-breakers and 3 deal-makers to complete the toolbox?
Deal-breakers
Depending on how you set up your non-negotiables, the deal-breakers can be used to as an extra help to eliminate those who passed through the non-negotiables but remain quite incompatible or even worse, could become toxic partners. Here, you are in the dating phase, where despite the fact that a few things will probably be overplayed or exaggerated to seduce the other party; it is therefore crucial to observe, listen attentively and read between the lines because remember, that person made the cut from the non-negotiables but the job is not finished as Kobe would say. Think of deal-breakers as “red flags”, for example if she/he interprets whatever religion too extremely or enjoys speaking badly of less fortunate people as a genuine hobby.
Deal-makers
If I made myself clear when it comes to deal-breakers, you should understand what deal-makers are. See them as “bonuses” cause when dating someone, you will get to know gradually more about their world and her/his personality or true self will begin to show up.
Just like with the non-negotiables, in order to be efficient, make a list and select the 3 most essential deal-breakers and deal-makers. All 3 should help you navigate in the dating game with a clearer vision as well as getting involved in better and healthier relationships.
Why does it matter?
“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Romantic relationships have been too romanticized through media and movies, believing in finding the “one”, love at first sight and living happily ever after is cute when you are a child, but keeping it as a blueprint or relationship goals when you are in capacity of having a child is problematic.
Thus, the need to have such tools in mind to improve our decision-making, Dr. Helen Fisher indirectly explains it in this video (4:40) where she argues that love shuts down decision-making parts of our brains.
We usually say we do not choose our family but we can choose our potential partners to create one. Having these 3 pre-requisites in mind, take a good moment to ask yourself: “what are my 3 non-negotiables, 3 deal-breakers and 3 deal-makers? “. Your future self will surely be grateful for it.